That Ain't My Baby Daddy

So I got home yesterday from work and went to my room to change, turned on the TV, and anticipated watching Seinfeld reruns on TBS. But to my dismay, there was no Seinfeld. Just Everybody Loves Raymond. Can I just say that I hate Everybody Loves Raymond? I never thought it was funny and I think every episode is the exact same thing. So how dare they take the slot of my precious Seinfeld?! So I flipped channels to try and find something else to watch...nothing. Then I reached channel 12 and what was on? The Maury Povich show. So basically these were my options at the time: I could have done something productive and enlightening such as read my bible, pray, or just read a book; or I could watch Maury. I watched Maury. I know, it's a bit pathetic and I shouldn't have watched it I knew I would be supporting trash but I was drawn in. It was like a horrible car wreck. You know that if you look you'll be scarred for life but you can't help but just stare gawkingly.

Of course Maury was doing one of those "You are the father" shows that he's famous for. Basically what happens is the father doesn't want to admit that the baby that looks exactly like him is his so the mother does the only thing a rational human being would do and that is take her dirty laundry on national television. So we are introduced to the mother and then given a video introduction of the father on par with a presidential nominee's video at his party's convention. You can pretty much sum it up with:

Maury, she says that I'm the baby's father, but I ain't his father. She's been with so many men that there ain't no way. My buddy Scooter saw her coming out of my brothers house so I know......You can use your imagination on where it goes from there. Then the father's new girlfriend or mom usually throws in a: Maury she says that Lester is the baby's daddy but he ain't and she best be leaving me alone because we in love (If it was the mom they probably wouldn't say that......or would they?)

The father comes out and gets in a cussing match with the mom and possibly her parents as well if they decide to come. Then, Maury tells him that he is the father and then steps in to heal the rift between the mother and the father because, gosh darn it Maury is just that kind of guy. I mean, that man cares. Every now and then, they'll have a couple where they're coming on to see if the father really is the father because mommy cheated on him. Those are as equally heart-warming as the others. Also, throughout the show you'll hear random censor bleeps because the audience just loves to randomly throw out there own obscenities as well. So along with some random birthday parties and little league games, the child now has a new video to add to his childhood collection. I wonder if those videos of little league games also has his mom doing lewd dances in his father's face or is that reserved only for special occasions like when the whole world's watching?

So I'm watching this and saying...why? I mean really, why? Why are these people allowed to breed? If they think that their best option is to go on Maury to find out who the kid's dad is, why are they allowed to create life? I mean, I know babies are cute and abstinence is just impossible for anyone to do, but it's time to stop! I understand that sometimes things happen that you wish didn't and God can still turn that into an incredible blessing for you or a family looking to adopt. I know people who have gone through this and end up being very loving parents that never thought it was a good idea to take their whole business in front of the country on some crappy talk show and instead, actually handle it like civilized people. But when you have 15 kids (one of the fathers did) and the best option for you is to go on Maury to find out if you are the baby's daddy, then I think it's time for you to stop breeding. For the sake of the children, it's time for you just to stop. Also why is their a market for this stuff? He does these shows all the time, why is there such a huge market for this? Well, I guess because idiots like me actually watch it. I personally blame TBS for trying to subject people to Everybody Loves Raymond instead of Seinfeld but that's neither here nor there.

I think Child Protective Services should just sit and watch Maury everyday and start taking names and try to give these kids a fighting chance so they don't end up on Maury 20 years later trying to find out who the baby's daddy is. Maybe CPS is actually watching and the fact that I watch keep ratings up and I'm actually doing a good thing by watching this show. You're welcome, America!

Random Fact: I also found out while my dog was laying on my bed with me that when I say in a high pitched voice "That ain't my baby daddy" she will run to the opposite end of the bed and start barking as if it wasn't me doing it. This provided me with about an hour of entertainment.