Why I Hate Halloween

I'm going to be honest. I'm like the scrooge of Halloween. I am not a fan at all of this holiday. I love every other holiday (Valentine's Day is conditional on the circumstances: please revert back to "The Life of a Single Twenty-Something"), but I just never look forward to Halloween. It's not because of religious reasons. I don't think because you put on a scary mask and ask strangers for candy is of the devil or anything (kind of creepy once you write it out, though). I mean, Halloween gives churches a great opportunity to reach out to the community with Fall Festivals and such, but that's really all this crappy holiday has going for it.

Now, you're probably asking yourself "Why so hostile towards Halloween? It brings joy to so many people? Have you not seen Ernest Scared Stupid?" Yes, I have seen that movie and it changed my life, but that's beside the point. Here's just a few reasons why I think this holiday sucks.

1. It used to be fun
Remember being a small child and you would dress up every Halloween. You'd go to school where they had some sort of party and you'd show off your costume to everyone. You'd probably watch a movie, eat some cookies, drink some punch, and then go home for a night of trick-or-treating, where you would go door to door with your little plastic jack-o-lantern container (a pillow case when you got smart about it) and cap it all off with an all night sugar-fest. I remember the mountain of candy. I remember being introduced to candy I've never seen before. Like Sugar Babies! They were basically sugar coated in liquid sugar! I remember how big my eyes got when I saw the tiny boxes of Milk Duds! Life was good and all was well with the world. I still remember the costumes I wore. There was Wolverine, Raphael the Ninja Turtle, a pirate with a sweet hook made out of a clothes hanger (that one got confiscated at school), a pirate with a scary pirate skeleton mask, and finally, just a kid with a scary pirate skeleton mask. Oh the creative juices were flowing that Halloween! How glorious of time it was! I can still hear the eloquent poetry that was inspired by this holiday:

Trick or Treat

Smell my feet

Give me something good to eat

Welp, not anymore! There are no more parties with sugar cookies and punch where I can show off my sweet costume to everyone! There is no plastic jack-o-lantern container to put my candy in! No sugar babies! No milk duds! There is nothing! I can't dress up in some cheap plastic costume from K-Mart and demand that my neighbors give me candy or I'll make them smell my feet. Well, I can but not without them having me arrested.

2. Stupid kids and their shenanigans
This is what normally went through my head when Halloween came around: "Oh boy, I wonder how much candy I'm going to get on Halloween!" Now, it's more along the lines of: "Ah man, I hope no one does anything to my car on Halloween." I never did quite get that.

"Hey we're too old to go trick-or-treating, what should we do? Oh, I have an idea, how about we terrorize the neighborhood! It is Halloween after all."

This mentality would make no sense on any other holiday. Can you imagine?

"We're Jewish so we don't celebrate Easter, what should we do? Oh, I know, let's shave the neighbor's dog!"

I don't want to have to wake up the day after Halloween dreading what I'm going to find in my front yard. I don't want to see an omellette of eggs on my car and I certainly don't want my dog shaved! I thought we outlawed terrorism a long time ago! Now because kids are too old to get a sugar high, it's acceptable for them to do the work of Al-Quaeda?!

3. Horror Movies
Halloween is the time that every possible horror movie you can think of makes it to the big screen. From the newest gore genre flick that's primary goal is to make you puke to the revising of old beloved characters. Such blockbusters as Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason, Bride of Chucky, Jason Goes to Disney, When Chucky Met Sally, Saw XXVI, Freddy and the Bandit, and the classic, 3 Villains and a Baby. The sad thing is, people actually get excited for these movies. You always have a friend that's like "Oh my gosh, they're making a new Jason movie and it's rumored that there's going to be a cameo from that freaky girl from The Ring! It's going to be so awesome!" They completely take up all the release dates of October, so my selection of new movies to see are limited (as if I have time to go to movies but you get the picture).

So call me a pessimist but I speak from the heart. I love all sorts of holidays! I can't wait for Thanksgiving! I can't wait for Christmas! Halloween just has too many negatives for me to enjoy! It used to be sweet, but now, it's just a day that I have nothing to look forward to but spending money on candy to give out and living in fear of what someone's going to do to my front lawn. But at least it only comes once a year........